The 10 lamest excuses for cancelling a gig

Originally posted for MusicVita here.

Have you ever been subjected to a gig cancellation? It sucks. Ooo I’ve got a sore throat, ooo my mum’s died. Pish posh I paid £2.50 for these tickets so stand there and perform through your tears. Some artists do take the biscuit, though. We’ve trawled the internet for the worst reasons a band or solo artist have put forward as an excuse to cancel a gig.

 #1 Morrissey knew it was over

In 2009, Morrissey was performing at Coachella. Unfortunately, his veggie senses were tingling, and he picked up the whiff of cooking meat.  He announced “I can smell burning flesh and I hope to God it’s human” mid-song and waltzed off stage. He had supposedly told the organisers that meat was only to be cooked if it was 50 feet away from him. Nice one, M-bag.

#2 Celine Dion will always hold a grudge

Celine Dion was supposed to play in Halifax, Novo Scotia but pulled out when she learned that a local paper had criticised her. Her manager/husband said “This is a question of feeling, we’re humans.” Someone pass me the tissues: this is a greater tragedy than when Rose hogged that lump of wood and forced Jack to drown.

#3 Mötley Crüe: snow way we won’t play

Mötley Crüe cancelled a show in the 80’s in London because there the venue had “too much snow on the roof”. Their revolving drum kit wouldn’t have worked properly and would have put the building structure at risk. Obviously the logical thing to do is cancel, what idiot would go and get a normal drum kit, right?

#4 Neil Young’s booboo

In 1997 Neil Young wanted a ham sandwich, but he only went and cut his finger when making it. Naturally, he cancelled his European Tour and Glastonbury performance. About the incident, he said “I’d have eaten the thing in one piece if I’d known that cutting it in half would jeopardise the tour. It’s macaroni and cheese from now on.” You can’t even be angry with him after that comment.

#5 King of Leon: Bird uses bassist’s mouth as The Bucket

In July 2010, Kings of Leon cut their set short after a flock of pigeons decided to let loose on them, and ended up “shitting in the bassist Jared’s mouth.” Nathan Followill tweeted: “Don’t take it out on Jared, it’s the fucking venue’s fault. You may enjoy being shit on but we don’t. Sorry for all who travelled many miles.” I have one word for Kings of Leon: HAT.

#6 Selena Gomez loses touch with self (and reality)

Selena Gomez cancelled 13 concerts this year across Asia and Australia. Voice problems? Family crisis? Nah, she wanted, I mean ‘needed’ “to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be.” That’s what I said to my dissertation supervisor, but that kind of shit doesn’t fly for us ‘normal’ people.

#7 Andrew Ridgeley lies about face

Andrew Ridgeley of Wham! told everyone he’d been attacked by a madman with a champagne bottle, cancelling a concert. Turns out he’d made this story up and had actually just got a nose job. Club Tropicana lies are free…

#8 Kanye West was Bound 2 make this list

On the second night of his ‘Yeezus’ tour in Seattle, Kanye cancelled five hours before he was expected onstage due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’. We then found out it was because he was busy proposing to Kim Kardashian. Who can be mad at true love? He is a romantic, after all – “I can’t be with any girl but Kim because that’s the girl that I look at her pictures the most and get turned on the most.”

#9 Joe Strummer does a runner

The Clash had to cancel their 1982 UK tour because Joe Strummer disappeared. Where was he? In France, growing a beard and running the Paris marathon, obviously. I guess they were busy looking for him in supermarkets.

#10 Justin Bieber – beauty and a brat

Justin Bieber cancelled a gig in Portugal because of a few empty seats. It was a “business decision” even though it was reported by TMZ that the ticket sales were “good” and “more than 60%.” Maybe he had better things to do like get arrested or besmirch more Holocaust victims.

All of the above need to take a leaf out of David Bowie’s book, who got a lobbed in eye with a lollipop but continued with his gig anyway.